How Grownups Get Close to God

My fellow Toddlers,

I've also made Other Discoveries and have been Late in making an Official Report about them because of my Recent Mopeyness. Here they Are:

First, we all Know that to Study Grownup Culture you have to wear a Diaper (I think the Grownups wear Theirs Under Their Clothes), but we also Know that the Diapers are Irritating and we would all Much Rather Be Naked. Today I Discovered that you can actually Take Off the Diaper. There are little Fasteners on the sides. I'm Serious. Not only that, but the Grownups will look Shocked and Giggle or Laugh, so it must be All Right. This is an Important Discovery and we need to Let all Toddlers Know as soon as Possible.

Second, the Grownups spend Lots and Lots of Time Fixing Things. Sometimes they Sing or Hum while they do, and they use special, ritual Metal Objects that you never see Any Other Time. I think it's Part of Their Religion.

Rule of Grownup Culture # 16:

Grownups Fix Broken Things when they want to Get Closer to God.

Anyway, what that Means is if your Snow Globe stops Making Music or if your baby toys run out of Batteries, you can take them to a Grownup and make a Cute Face and Have Them Fixed. And they Enjoy it. They bring the things Back and Watch while you play with them. This is an Important Discovery that we need to let the other Toddlers know, too.

Third, There Are Things in the World Called Swings. You can find them in the Big Green Places, and you can meet other Toddlers and Babies there, and share News of the World and talk about the Grownups, and the Grownups won't even Suspect. Also the Swings make you Lightheaded like the Whole World is Beautiful and Swinging Around with You. It's worth going just for That.

That's all for Tonight, because I need to go have more Yogurt and hug my Seahorse. Please share this Official Report with As Many Toddlers as Possible.

Your dutiful toddler anthropologist,

Baby River

The Grownups Give You Yogurt

My fellow Toddlers,

I need to Inform you of an Amazing and Significant Discovery. It's called Yogurt. It's squishy and it Trickles Down Your Chin and Chest and it is super nommy. The Grownups Make it, or Find it, or something. I'm not sure Where It Comes From, but the Grownups have it. I suggest we petition the Toddler Research Society to Dispatch Sixty or Seventy Toddler Researchers to Investigate Further at the Earliest Opportunity. We must learn where the Yogurt comes from. It's imperative.

The Yogurt put so much Happy inside me that I beat my chest with the palms of Both My Hands. Although the Grownup Language Consists of Grunts and Funny Singing Noises, they do Respond to Sign Language with a Little Training.

Your happy toddler anthropologist,

Baby River

Sometimes the Grownups Need a Toddler to Rescue Them

Dear Field Diary,

A few days ago I was filled with Upset and the world was Overflowing with Troubles. Then I Realized it's not the Grownups' Fault; they just Don't Know Any Better. That's why we Toddlers have to Look After Them. Without us, they'd be totally Helpless.

For Example.

Today I had to Sort the mommy's Cosmetics. None of them were Matched by Color and only Some of Them by Shape. It was a Total Mess. Fortunately my Innate Sense of Organization came to the Rescue. Then I Organized the mommy's Shoes, because they were hanging in a plastic thing on the closet Door and that makes No Sense at all, because you can't put Shoes on unless they're on the floor. Now they are in a neat pile by the Bed so the mommy can wear them when she wakes up in the Morning.


The parents must have been so so Happy after I brought Peace to the House, because they brought me my Little Music Box and Wound it Up. Which is called Bartering. I learned About it. When you do a Service of Incredible Intelligence and Sacrifice for the Grownups, they Give you Something. Like a Music Box. Or Nom Noms. Only sometimes they Don't.

Also I Opened the Music Box and Discovered the mommy had put Pretties inside. There was a Bracelet, and a Locket, and a Heart Locket, and a Rosary. The Chain on the Locket feels so so good when I draw it back and forth across my Gums, because they are Sore from Teething.

In fact I think I know why the Grownups don't Always Have Giggles. It's because they are Teething All the Time.

I think we should try a new Solution to the Grownup Problem. We should find Heart Lockets with little Chains for all the Grownups, so they can Chew on them All the Time and feel much much Better and be More Full of Giggles and Get Their Happy Back.

I really like the Pretties in the Music Box, and I think the mommy and the daddy try so so hard to have Fairness in their Hearts and to keep their Happy. In Fact I'm becoming so so Attached to them. It worries me sometimes because I might be Losing My Objectivity, and Blending In too much. Sometimes when we run around the house Playing and Giggling I feel so so Happy and Dizzy and full of Warm Things Deep Down Inside, and then when I Catch My Breath I almost feel like I'm becoming One of Them. I can't tell the Toddler Research Society that, but I am very Fond of the parents and I am beginning to Understand them Sometimes A Little. They are the way they are because their Houses are So Messy and All Their Colors are Mixed Up, and also they are So Tall and when they Fall Down they Get Hurted so so Much. It's not their Fault. They just need Toddlers with Wisdom and Discernment to Look After Them and help them Find Their Happy and Get Organized.

I don't think that's what the Toddler Research Society wants to Hear, but that doesn't make it not True.

I am going to go Chase the Kitties for a while, and Think Deep about This. The Grownups are Sometimes Full of Snuggles and today has been One of Those Times. I really Like Them. A Lot. I'm going to try to Help Them Out more.

Your wise toddler anthropologist,

Baby River

The Mommy Got Stuck with Needles

Dear Field Diary,

Today was the Worst Day Ever.

So the mommy was feeling So Sicked and the daddy and I took her to see the Doctor. And they stuck Needles in the mommy and made her Bleed. It was really really Scary, because Red Stuff came out. I cried so loud and the mommy said it was okay but I could tell her Happy was still Gone, so I Screamed and Screamed and Screamed.

Then they made the mommy Better but everything was still full of Suffering because there was no Crib and no Pillows. Sometimes the Grownups are barbarians. How could the Doctor's be a place to make people Better if there is no Crib there? Sleep takes away all the Nukkiness. Everyone knows that.

Rule of Grownup Culture # 4:

Grownups would Rather Get Stuck with Needles
Than Sleep.

How weird is that?

Just when I think I'm beginning to Blend In and understand the Grownups, they do Something that Makes No Sense. I don't understand how their Culture has survived this long.

I must have Screamed for my Crib for Hours and Hours. It felt like it. And still the Grownups didn't bring a Crib. Now we're Home and there's a Crib again, and I almost want to file a full report to the Toddler Research Society about how mean Grownups are and how they make No Sense and how they don't even understand enough of my Language to know I Need My Crib, and how sometimes life is nothing but pain and suffering and no nom noms. Worst Day Ever. I'm not going to file the report because my Crib is here and I'm going to go Sleep now, but I am Super Grouchy and am so so glad that I'm a Toddler and not a Grownup.

Maybe they'll make more Sense in the morning. Sleep helps everything Make Sense. Every Toddler knows how Important it is to Make Sense. This is a very Big and very Confusing World, and if you don't have a Crib and you get Stuck with Needles, and someone is Screaming for her Crib and you don't Help Out, then things make Even Less Sense. I am just so glad the poor Grownups have us Toddlers to let them know when they stop Making Sense, or they'd be totally hopeless.

Sometimes I wonder if the Toddler Research Society knew what it was Doing when it Assigned me to the Project. Some days I feel so out of my Depth in this strange culture. Still, I am going to Stick With It and figure the Grownups out no matter what it takes. But I am still Super Grouchy.

Your brave toddler anthropologist,

Baby River

The Mommy is Sick

Dear Field Diary,

The mommy is Sicked. She has the shakes and she is all Shivery, and I'm super worried for her because she looks like her Happy is Gone. So I have been trying to Help, using everything I've Learned about the Grownups and their Culture. I thought she might need Nom Noms so I brought her a Potato Chip, but she looked Sad and didn't want it. Then I thought she needed a Comfort Device, so I offered her my pacifier. She had a Smile and Tears but it didn't help. Then I waved my Hands in the air and said "Yay" but the mommy didn't Cheer Up.

Nothing Worked. At all.

Then I Realized.

Sometimes, no matter how different they Look and how Silly they act, the Grownups are Just Like Us. I climbed onto the couch where the mommy was lying down, and I Snuggled into her Side and kept her Company all morning.

River's Next Rule:

When Grownups feel Sicked,
sometimes you just have to Cuddle them

I have been in the field for sixteen months and sometimes it feels like there is So Much still to find out, but other times, I Realize just How Much I have already Learned about Grownup Culture.

Your cuddly toddler anthropologist,

Baby River

Bringing the Happy Back

Attention Toddlers Everywhere,

I know how we can Bring the Happy Back for the Grownups. Swimming Pools make them Happy. When you Splash them, you get Giggles. And they get Giggles. It's so so funny. We can cheer up All the Grownups and bring World Peace if we just put Swimming Pools Everywhere. I'm not sure How, but the Toddler Research Society needs to get on it. There are lots and lots and lots of grouchy Grownups and we need to Take Action With Expediency.

In the Meantime, all of us Toddlers who are sane and rational need to help the poor Grownups by making as many Swimming Pools as we can. We need to find Wet Things like kitty water, olive oil, and milk, and dump them on the floor and fill up one room in each house with a Swimming Pool. That can be an Interim Solution.

Also I have made a Discovery. The daddy says They Are Called Books. The pages feel nice against my Fingers and there are lots and lots of Letters in them and Pictures. Also the pages taste Super Nommy and the covers of the Books are chewable. I am going to Investigate Further and report more soon.

For now, Rule of Grownup Culture # 8:

If you want the Grownups to Giggle, you Has to Splash Them.

Your intrepid toddler anthropologist,

Baby River

Yay! The Grownups are Learning my Language

Today Everything is Happy Happy. The Grownups are finally Learning my Language. For Example. I waved my Hands in the air and said "Yaaaaay" and they Waved Back and Said it Too. The House is So Full of Happy. I said Yay Eighteen times today. Which is A Lot.

I also Pursued the Loud Noise Thing that the Grownups use to make the floor Pretty, and I danced around it and Giggled. I got the Grownups to imitate all Kinds of Sounds I made. They are Fast Learners. I would never have expected it, but they Are.

The mommy has a Guitar and I played Music on it, and that was good Stress Relief after a long day of Toddler Anthropology and Training the Grownups to Speak in ways Toddlers can Understand.

The House and the Crib and the Toys are all Full of Happy.

Also the daddy brought crayons that you can use to Make Pictures on Glass, and the mommy and I drew Mountains on the Windows. Now the Glass is happy too. I think I am learning So So Much about Grownup culture from their Art on the Windows.

Now it is So So Late and I am going to go hug my Seahorse.

Your happy toddler anthropologist,

Baby River