My fellow Americans including Grownups,
I Stand before you Tonight to explain why you need to Elect me President of the United States, this coming Election in 2012. It’s super Important that we have an executive leader of great acuity, discernment, and Experience, and I have been Managing Grownups (two of them) for seventeen Months. In Toddler Time, that’s Ages and Ages and almost Forever. So please listen Carefully to my Plans.
I am Prepared and Ready to tackle the Country’s three Greatest Crises:
First, I will defend our Freedom. Freedom is super Important to all Toddlers. We spend So Much Time Stuck in Cribs, and even when we Aren’t, we find ourselves Stuck in Diapers when we would much much Rather be Naked, so we Understand about the Need to Have Our Freedom, and we have an Intuitive Sense of Justice and Liberty for All.
Second, I will Fix our Economy and National Debt. What we need is a National Savings Plan, because right now we Spend everything, and that’s just not Right. I have been Practicing putting some of my Pacifiers Away for a Rainy Day. You can hide them Between Bookshelfs, or Under the Crib, or in the Toybox, and that way you can Hoard some of them for Later, when you Really Need them, when they Really Count. And that’s the Thinking that we have to Apply to the Larger Problem.
Third, we have a Crisis of Civility. There are just Too Many Grouchy Grownups. They’re Everywhere. At first there was just John McCain. But now almost All the Grownups are super Grouchy. And that has to Stop. It’s simply Unacceptable. But I assure you, this issue can be Fixed. I believe I understand what’s at the Root of the Problem. All the Grownups have started Teething, all at once, all together. At the Same time. We need to get them some Tylenol, and some Ice-Cold Chewables, and Wrap them in Cuddly Blankets Very Tightly so they Can’t Hit or Bite Each Other. And that’s we’re going Do.
Very Soon I will be Rolling out my Plans for each Department of the Government. For example, the Department of Agriculture is facing a Global Shortage of Nom Noms, which is Simply Terrifying. Now, we know that Nom Noms come from the Dirt, so we need to get a Lot of Dirt and make a Big Pile and have the Toddler Research Society send all their Best Minds to Play in it and Study it and Learn how to Grow more Nom Noms. More on that Later.
For now I ask you to Simply Keep me in Your Thoughts and Prayers and Consider Voting for Me. And if you’re Curious while you’re Waiting for my Plan to Save the Country to be made available in Full, you can get to Know me Better by reading my Ground-breaking Studies of the Grownup Problem, Dances with Grownups and What Grownups Have on Their Bookshelfs.
Feel free to Ask me Questions. I will do my Best to Answer them in the Order in which they Arrive. I am going to be Very Busy with Getting all the Grownups to Listen to Each Other, but I will take Time to Talk with my Constituents.
With a little guidance and direction from Toddlers, Grownups can Fix Their Country.
Thank you, and Good Night America, and God bless you.